ask the introvert

Some people have told me they don't understand how introverts can "lock up" around other people and have trouble carrying on a conversation, especially when it's perceived as high-pressure. It's just other people, and it's just talking; how could that be hard? Shouldn't something as simple and routine as "typical small talk" be easy?

It might help to consider a situation that seems analogous: test-taking anxiety (which I don't have in the least). This anxiety results in someone who, despite studying hard and learning all the answers beforehand, feels his or her mind "go blank" when the test is in front of them. The test-taker feels an undercurrent of panic, has trouble thinking of the answers, and keeps rereading the same question over and over rather than taking a moment to pause and quiet themselves mentally.

The experience I described above has similarities to what can happen when I'm confronted with a social situation (although I'm getting better at it). An open-ended, casual question gets my mind spinning with concerns such as "What am I expected to say?" or "How do I most easily explain ____?" or "If I say _____ then wouldn't I seem weird?" As I try to optimize my response out of the several candidates according to the criteria that I'm applying, the questioner's facial expression starts to indicate that he or she doesn't understand how complex the question was, and he or she may be starting to wonder at the apparent sluggishness of my mind. At that point I start to think "Say something! Now!" and I spit out something that turns out to be neither interesting nor expected.

The other possibility is that as soon as someone begins to ask the question, I think "I'm being put on the spot! This didn't turn out well the last time it happened! Oh no!", shift into the classic body state known as "fight or flight", and feel my thoughts freeze completely. Just as an anxious test-taker finds it difficult to write an answer when his or her mind is "clenched", so for the introvert who in similar straits finds it difficult to formulate coherent sentences.

In the past, people have advised me to relax in social situations and say something without "overanalyzing it". After saying something, then I can proceed to clarify as needed. While that's a sensible recommendation, I hope the people making it understand that it's a little like telling someone with a spider phobia "The next time one crawls onto your clothing, remember that the vast majority of the time it won't hurt you and you should respond by calmly pushing it off". Easy to say but not so easy for the hearer to put into practice.